A Salute to the Hometown Haircut: Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 1 (2024)

One of simple pleasures I enjoy in my increasingly old age is a simple haircut.

Now, I am not a man whose hair deserves anything more than the $20 slap-and-tickle at GreatCuts or SuperClips or Fantastic Sports. I like my hair, mind you, but it's not winning any awards.

But it is also just finicky enough and I am just vainglorious enough that I have a particular shop at which I prefer to have it done. I have had enough bad haircuts at the places that save your information for next time and still manage to f*ck it up, and it drives me nuts, even if I cut my hair so short that I frequently get asked if I am ex-military (which is doubly hilarious because if you met me, it would take approximately 5 seconds for you to know that's not true).

So I go to a salon! Not just any salon, but one back in my hometown, a full 33 minutes—if there's no traffic—and 28 miles from where I currently live. It used to be a Fantastic Sam's until the old franchise owner tried to spin off and got hit by a non-compete. While that sucked for the franchisee, he was notably a scumbag and the ones truly impacted were the stylists, three of whom I went to high school with.

Thankfully, they were able to find an investor who spun them off as their own independent salon. And so, once every five weeks or so, I plop down next to all the 50- and 60-somethings from my hometown, and the same hair stylist cuts my hair.

But what is as soothing—at least as much as walking out with a haircut I don't hate—is the conversation. Until a few years ago, I didn’t know her from Eve, though we had a few friends in common in high school. But for 5 years now, I sit down and we exchange stories about our gardens and pets.

That's it.

She's growing pumpkins and peppers and strawberries, I used to have an avocado tree and now dabble with herbs and tomatoes. She is having a hell of a time getting black dirt delivered, I tore up both my hands sawing through tree roots to create a little mounded garden. We both appreciate solar lights and a nice rose bush with an arch nearby. Occasionally the topic shifts to her love for classic and street cars or my travels for work, but it always comes back to our landscaping. Twenty-five minutes, in and out.

We swap pictures, I pay her $25 plus tip, we do it all over again in 5 weeks.

I don't know that I ever feel more relaxed than I do after thar half-hour.

Thursday Night

A note, if you’re mad about me not including your sport: there are, like, 100 college football games this weekend. That’s already way too much. I look at football, then soccer, then maybe other stuff. But that’s it. I’m a bad person. Sorry.

Don’t Watch This

Howard Bison at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [5pm, BTN]
Western Carolina Catamounts at #24 NC State Wolfpack (-33, O/U 60.5) [6pm, ACCN]
NC A&T Aggies at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [6pm, ESPN+/ACCNX]
New Hampshire Wildcats at UCF Citronauts [6pm, ESPN+]
Jackson State Tigers at UL Monroe Warhawks [6pm, ESPN+]
Lafayette Leopards at Buffalo Bulls [6pm, ESPN+]
Fordham Rams at Bowling Green Falcons [6m, ESPN+]
Central Connecticut Blue Devils at Central Michigan Chippewas [6pm, ESPN+]
UA-Pine Bluff Golden Lions at Arkansas Razorbacks [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Duquesne Dukes at Toledo Mud Hens [6:30pm, ESPN+]
Murray State Races at #11 Missouri Tigers [7pm, SECN]
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at Jacksonville State Gameco*cks (-2.5, O/U 55.5) [7pm, CBSSN]
Lindenwood Lions at #22 Kansas Jayhawks [7pm, ESPN+]
North Dakota State School for the Terminally Unlovable Bizon at Colorado Buffaloes (-10, O/U 59.5) [7pm, ESPN]
Alcorn State Braves at UAB Blazers [7pm, ESPN+]
Northwestern State Demons at Tulsa Golden Hurricane [7pm, ESPN+]
Southern Utah THUNDERBIRDS at #12 Utah Utes [8pm, ESPN+]
Eastern Illinois Panthers at Illinois Fighting Illini (-28, O/U 45.5) [8pm, BTN]

{NWSL} Washington Spirit vs. Kansas City Current [5pm, Paramount+]
{USL Cup} Richmond Kickers vs. Spokane Velocity [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL Cup} Forward Madison vs. Union Omaha [7pm, ESPN+]
{Caribbean Cup} Cavalier vs. Police [7pm, FS2]
{Central American Cup} Deportivo Saprissa vs. Municipal [7pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{Central American Cup} Olimpia vs. Antigua GFC [9pm, Fox Soccer Plus]

Watch That

William Woods (MO) Owls at William Penn (IA) Statesmen

7pm | Statesmen Sports Network | THE BILLY BOWL

North Carolina Tar Heels at Minnesota Golden Gophers

7pm | FOX | UNC -2 | O/U 50.5

Sacramento State Hornets at San Jose State Spartans

9pm | truTV | SJSU -3.5 | O/U 60.5

A real salute here to the William Penn Statesmen and the William Woods Owls, a pair of NAIA schools in Oskaloosa, Iowa, and Fulton, Missouri, respectively. The Owls, a Disciples of Christ-affiliated school around since 1870, are joining the Heart of America Conference, home to small, religiously-affiliated schools around Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, and Missouri, plus Peru State College of Nebraska.

As part of the Owls’ onboarding, they’re starting a quasi-rivalry game, the “Billy Bowl”, with Quaker school William Penn. That’s the kind of good, dumb fun college football deserves, and I’ll check out a few minutes on the Statesmen Sports Network.

As for the rest:

1. The NDSU schtick is worn-out in my book, and I cannot listen to—or condone with my eyeballs—ESPN slobber all over “Coach Prime”.
2. The Hornets are ranked #10 in the first FCS Coaches Poll. The Spartans are starting over under Ken Niumatalolo. I’m amazed San Jose is favored at all.

You’ll notice, too, that in the spreadsheet below, almost every game—even those between FBS and FCS schools—now has a line. Gambling’s tentacles continue to reach into college sports, and I’m sure we’ll be shocked when more sh*t goes wrong. There are a couple other games worthy of note in the “potential for FCS upsets” department:

• Lafayette (+3.5) at Buffalo: the Leopards are 18th in the FCS poll, and Buffalo lost embattled HC Maurice Linguist to an Alabama analyst position, with former Ball State washup Pete Lembo taking the reins of New York’s Flagship. Uh...good luck, Bulls.
• Jackson State (+7.5) at ULM: Monroe is already depressing enough, man.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Lehigh Mountain Hawks at Army Black Knights (-32, O/U 47.5) [5pm, CBSSN]
Temple Owls at #16 Oklahoma Sooners (-42.5, O/U 59.5) [6pm, ESPN]
FAU Owls at Michigan State Spartans (-14, O/U 45.5) [6pm, BTN]
Elon Phoenix at Duke Blue Devils (-23.5, O/U 49.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
WMU Broncos at wisconsin badgers (-23.5, O/U 56.5) [8pm, FS1]

{CPL} Forge vs. Pacific [6pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{USL Cup} Greenville Triumph vs. Charlotte Independence [6pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Atletico San Luis vs. Atlas [8pm, TUDN]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. Valour [8:30pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{NWSL} Portland Thorns vs. Bay FC [9pm, Prime]
{USL Cup} Central Valley Fuego vs. Northern Colorado [9:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Xolos vs. Leon [10:05pm, TUDN]

Watch That

TCU Horned Frogs at Stanford Cardinal

9:30pm | ESPN | TCU -9.5 | O/U 59.5

There’s good Big Ten volleyball on tonight:

You should probably watch something from that. Penn State-Tennessee is an option?

Really pissed at Western Michigan for being the combo-breaker here in all the road teams being some interesting kind of bird.

If you told me TCU-Stanford was an ACC conference game, I might have forgotten that it was SMU, not TCU, who made the jump and believed you. I don’t think Stanford’s going to be substantially better in Year 2, but maybe I’m wrong. Getting the Frogs under the lights at the Farm should be a good opportunity to assess how Troy Taylor’s getting along.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#14 Clemson Tigers vs. #1 Georgia Bulldogs (-13.5, O/U 48.5) [11am, ABC]
Illinois State Redbirds at #25 Iowa Hawkeyes (-22.5, O/U 40.5) [11am, BTN]
Virginia Tech Hokies (-13, O/U 50.5) at Vanderbilt Commodores [11am, ESPN]
UConn Huskies at Maryland Terrapins (-20.5, O/U 44.5) [11am, FS1]
Let’s Go Peay! at Lhvl Crdnls [11am, ACCN]
Indiana State Sycamores at Purdue Boilermakers [11am, BTN]
Kent State Golden Flashes at Pittsburgh Panthers (-24.5, O/U 55.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Bucknell Bison at Navy Midshipmen [11am, CBSSN]
Chattanooga Mocs at #15 Tennessee Mocs [11:45am, SECN]

{La Liga} Barcelona vs. Real Valladolid [10am, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Brest vs. Saint-Etienne [10am, beIN]
{EPL} West Ham vs. Manchester City [11:30am, NBC]
{Serie A} Bologna vs. Empoli [11:30am, Paramount+]
{Serie A} Lecce vs. Cagliari [11:30am, Paramount+]
{Scottish} Ross County vs. Aberdeen [11:45am, Paramount+]
{La Liga} Athletic Club vs. Atletico Madrid [12pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Montepellier vs. Nantes [12pm, beIN]
{La Liga} Espanyol vs. Rayo Vallecano [12:15pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#8 Penn State Nittany Lions at West Virginia Mountaineers

11am | FOX | PSU -8.5 | O/U 51.5

Bayer Leverkusen vs. RB Leipzig

{Bundesliga} | 11:30am | ESPN+

One of the problems with the South being too hot to host football games in the summer and everyone and their mother deciding they too can play games on Thursday is that...well, we get this.

I propose that there should be a maximum of 10 games on Thursday night, with an application process and a cascading start:

• 5pm: mid-tier East Coast FBS school hosts ranked FCS opponent
• 6pm: MAC team hosts P5 opponent
• 6:30pm: worst team in the MAC hosts MVFC school
• 7pm: Minnesota gets their State Fair game
• 7:30pm: I dunno, Kansas
• 8pm: I dunno, Illinois
• 9pm: mid-tier MWC school hosts ranked Big Sky opponent
• 9:30pm: Pac-12 school hosts ranked Big Sky opponent

Leverkusen went 49 matches unbeaten, a streak that only ended in the Europa League finals and did not include a single loss in the Bundesliga—notably the league home to Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund. That’s absolutely nuts; more nuts is that they scored 34 goals after the 80th minute, 17 of them in stoppage time. Think “2015 Iowa” levels of lucky, right down to getting pantsed in their Rose Bowl.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Towson Tigers at Cincinnati Bearcats [1:30pm, ESPN+]
Portland State Vikings at Washington State Cougars [2pm, The CW]
Akron Zips at #2 Ohio State Buckeyes (-49.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
Colorado State Rams at #4 Texas Longhorns (-32, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
#19 Miami-Fluoride Hurricanes (-2.5, O/U 54.5) at Florida Gators [2:30pm, ABC]
Florida International Sunblazers at Indiana Hoosiers (-21.5, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
UTEP Miners at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-27.5, O/U 48.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
East Tennessee State Buccaneers at Appalachian State Mountaineers [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Northwestern Wildcats (-3, O/U 39.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
North Dakota Fighting Hawks at Iowa State Cyclones (-28.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Ohio Bobcats at Syracuse Orange (-17.5, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Kennesaw State Owls at UTSA Roadrunners (-25, O/U 49.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Merrimack Warriors at Air Force Falcons [2:30pm, CBSSN]
WIU Leathernecks at NIU Huskies [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Boise State Broncos (-13, O/U 56.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [3pm, ESPNU]
Old Dominion Monarchs at South Carolina Gameco*cks (-21, O/U 52.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
Stony Brook Seawolves at Marshall Thundering Herd [4pm, ESPN+]
UC Davis Aggies at California Golden Bears [4pm, ACCNX]

{Bundesliga 2} Kaiserslautern vs. Hertha BSC [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{Serie A} Lazio vs. Milan [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{Serie A} Napoli vs. Parma [1:45pm, Paramount+]
{Ligue 1} Toulouse vs. Olympique Marseille [2pm, beIN]
{La Liga} Valencia vs. Villareal [2:30pm, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Leganes vs. Mallorca [2:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

South Dakota State Jackrabbits at #17 Oklahoma State Cowboys

1pm | ESPN+ | OKSt -9.5 | O/U 53.5

Eastern Michigan Eagles at Massachusetts Minutemen

2:30pm | ESPN+ | UMass -1.5 | O/U 49.5

North Texas Mean Green at South Alabama Jaguars

4pm | ESPN+ | USA -5 | O/U 64.5

Please enjoy the Northwestern-Miami History Bowl, Vests Worn Also, featuring Chuck Martin and David Braun.

I have no idea how or why Oklahoma State is ranked, let alone ranked 17th. Evidently they made the Big XII Championship Game last year, then got boatraced by Texas? Memory-holed that one, for sure.

Of course, now South Dakota State has picked up enough hype—deserved, mind you!—that this is going to be a damp squib of a game. That’s fine, there’s EMU-UMass on. Mmmmmm.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Just...tons of games. Lots of dumb and bad games. Like these:

#7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish at #20 Texas A&M Aggies (-3, O/U 46.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
Southern Miss Eagles at Kentucky Wildcats (-28, O/U 50.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
Robert Morris Colonials at Utah State Aggies [7pm, MWN]
Nicholls Colonels at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-8, O/U 56.5) [7pm, ESPN+]

{CPL} Atletico Ottawa vs. Vancouver FC [6pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{Liga MX} Chivas vs. Bravos [6:05pm, Telemundo]
{MLS} Lots on Season Pass

Watch That

UNLV Rebels at Houston Cougars

6pm | FS1 | UH -2.5 | O/U 54.5

UCLA Bruins at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

6:30pm | CBS | UCLA -14 | O/U 54.5

A salute to this work of art from the state of Kentucky (see the artist’s work here):

Folks I know at the University of Houston are not terribly excited for the Willie Fritz Era, and I may have burned some professional bridges by telling them they’re idiots and it’s going to be great. I also may have picked up half the Coogs offense for my fantasy team.

I might be the idiot.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Missouri State Bears at #3 Montana Grizzlies (-14, O/U 54.5) [8pm, ESPN+]
#4 Montana State Bobcats (-22.5, O/U 59.5) at Utah Tech Trailblazers [9pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico Lobos at #21 Arizona Wildcats (-31, O/U 58.5) [9:30pm, ESPN]
Weber State Wildcats at Washington Huskies (-27.5) [10pm, BTN]

{MLS} Lots of dumb games on Season Pass

Watch That

SEMO State Redhawks at New Mexico State Aggies

8pm | ESPN+ | NMSU -8.5 | O/U 52.5

Wyoming Cowboys at Arizona State Sun Devils

9:30pm | FS1 | ASU -6.5 | O/U 48.5

Really, the only thing more appropriate for the above miniature would’ve been if it was an Arizona State grad who would’ve created it. Go with what ya know, y’know?

Two teams, here, moving on from a hard-nosed era: New Mexico State replacing what—regardless of how you feel about him, WSR—was a successful stint with Jerry Kill, and Wyoming replacing legend Craig Bohl. The Pokes have stuck with a good thing, keeping defensive architect Jay Sawvel around to steer the Brown and Gold, while NMSU...uh...also kept it in-house, hiring Kill’s wide receivers coach and Aggie alumnus Tony Sanchez to keep the momentum going in Las Cruces.

Sanchez averaged out to 4-8 in his five-year stint leading UNLV—a job he took as a recruiter after building Las Vegas prep school Bishop Gorman into a national powerhouse. Maybe he’s learned from that and things will be different. But star QB Diego Pavia followed Kill to Vanderbilt—where Kill totally doesn’t want the head coaching job, of course—and Sanchez filled the gaps with a lot of JUCO replacements.

New Mexico State athletics, of course, has no bad history with remaking a whole roster around JUCOs.

Sunday

Don’t Watch This

NC Central Eagles vs. Alabama State Hornets [2pm, ESPN, in Miami]
Tuskegee Golden Tigers vs. Johnson C. Smith Golden Bulls [6pm, ESPNU, in Montgomery]

Watch That

B1G Volleyball

#3 Wisconsin vs. #1 Texas (11:30 a.m. CDT, FOX)
#18 Minnesota vs. #5 Stanford (2:00 CDT, FS1)

Benedict Tigers vs. Virginia State Trojans

3pm | NFL Network | in Canton

#23 USC Trojans vs. #13 LSU Tigers

6:30pm | ABC | LSU -4.5 | O/U 64.5 | in Vegas

Pair of HBCU games on Sunday that are worth a peek, one FCS and one D-II. The Hall of Fame Game in Canton is usually some pretty dumb fun for a bit.

Plus: a GREAT volleyball lead-in with Minnesota-Stanford. Shame about the other game.

I’m disappointed to see Power 5 conferences walk away from the more robust slate they offered on Sunday last year. Take a look at these:

You mean to tell me we couldn’t move UConn-Maryland to Sunday at 11am and UCLA-Hawai’i into Sunday night at 9pm? Outrageous.

Monday

Don’t Watch This

Baseball, probably.
{B1GVB} #18 Minnesota vs. #1 Texas (6:30 CDT, FOX)

Watch That

B1G Volleyball

#3 Wisconsin vs. #5 Stanford (4:00 CDT, FOX)

Boston College Eagles at #10 Florida State Seminoles

6:30pm | ESPN | FSU -16 | O/U 50.5

Sure. Because when I think Labor Day, this is what I think.

Enjoy the games, everyone.